Ok, it's been a while since i last blogged, it's not that i didn't get the time to anything. It's just that the recent events in my life aren't too happy, and i simply didn't think i had the strength to blog about them because, I'd have to remember them and why in the world would i wanna remember bad things?
Anyways, the biggest, most sad event in my life-inspired by one person, you-keeps popping in my head, day or night. So heck, might as well blog about the others, since my excuse for not blogging was recalling.
Firstly, my academic life has become a hopeless derailed train, skidding on thin ice that's headed for the edge of the earth. I got twenty fucking 2 points for the prelims, and that my friends, makes me officially stupid. Then again, the whole level did horribly, the top scorer had 13 points. WTF? Not too late to change the direction i realise, i am studying like mad now-mad!
The most heartlessly cold thing that happened was, Her (or if you happen to read this, you.). She has no idea the cycle of events she triggered in my little already overflowing brain. She never really rejects me, tells me she had feelings for me before, not anymore. Says that it wasn't me screwing up, but something else that she can't explain. She says i am being too nice, i don't get mad at her even when she was in the wrong. I have a reason, i do get pissed, but when you talk to me, my anger vanishes. You fix my problems, just by being there, talking to me. She also says that i began to behave a Little like her ex. Fuck. I know that i am a random, stupid, harebrained little bugger, but do have a code of rules by which i live my life, and breaking your heart in any way, is considered to be an unpardonable action. I would never, not under any balls snapping condition, hurt you or treat you the way that stupid son of a fucking promiscuous bitch of a whore treated you. It's been two weeks since we've spoken or even seen each other.
Just so she knows, i still am waiting for you, when you need me, I'll be right here. Just call me, and I'll come running. I know, it has to be a godsend if you read this but i have to try.
I've been told to move on by all the people who actually give an honest crap about me. I want to move on too, but i can't. Simply can't, i made a promise to her a while back that i'd wait for her for as long as i'll have to, and i can't break that promise, I'll keep waiting.
Going on to something a little more well, i won't say happy, but not doomed. I am actually making a serious effort to study now, i even study combine humanities now. Went to Macs with Nisha on Thursday last week to study. I didn't expect to study at all, but surprisingly, we actually managed to get work done. Also went out to le pak(or relax) with Kelvin and Gerard on Saturday. We did absolutely nothing. Hung out at macs for a bit, then went to Yamaha to get out high-e strings and then, went to a block near Church to sit, talk and rocco. Went to attend novena service after that.
Okay, I'm not going to pretend i am happy here, I'm not. I'm just holding back the tears and misery till after the O's. I can't afford to let my emotions to get the better of me now. 2 more months till i can freely just let it all out. 27 days and counting down, to the beginning of the damned O's, I've decided to take on a more optimistic view of it, I'll face it like a man, like there is nothing they can test me on that i don't know.
What happened to me? I used to be a normal, oh-so-happy teenager just a few months back, as soon as a girl walks into my life, BOOM. It ceases to be anywhere near happy. Every time i fell for a girl(a grand total of 2 times in my short life) my heart breaks to so many pieces, i need a freaking broom and dust pan to pick up the pieces.
nothappyyetindifferentJUICE!
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
oh somebody kill me please? put a bullet in my head.
Today is the worst day of my life, and the best. This week, my exams ended. And the demise of the results was unleashed on my raw flesh. So, failed combined humanities and failed a'maths. Got a C5 for E'maths and B3 for English and biology. Not sure of my physics and chemistry results. My results are shit and yet, still considered one of the better students. Wtf? and to think st Pat's entrance aggregate requirement is 241....hiaz.
Moving on to the more personal side of me, i couldn't take it anymore, my emotions erupted. I said it to her, just said it and asked if the feeling was mutual. I practically just wallowed in misery, expecting a rejection sms back. Nope, i did not get rejected, i think? She misses me, when i don't sms, but can't talk to me directly. She treats me differently from a friend. But she wants me to just give up. I can't. I can't simply give up on something that feels so right. In fact, she's the only person who's right in my life right now, and she wants out. Does she love me? Cos i LOVE her, with all my heart. She i asked why i like her, of all people. I have no way to put that in words, i can show her , in time, by my side. If she'll let me. God knows how she feels really, i just wanna hear the words. Why wont she go steady with me? I would love to be the one to put the smile on her face. To make her days a little brighter. Right now, i think i am burdening her somehow by my feelings, but i have to try, i must. And if she is reading this, i am really sorry for the pain i might have caused you, really sorry. I love you and i need you. I want to be with you, will you be with me? I need you to be complete, now i'm only half the man i was, before i met you.
Right, now that i got that off my mind, gotta move on and thank my friends, all of them and a certain someone, shahirah, thanks(did i get the spelling right?) for the concern and the help she's given me. Thanks.
Gotta move on, but I'm not, but i gotta pick up the pieces. I still love you. You know. I always will. I have to study now, but i can't without you, i need to know you;re there, i need to talk to you, my mind, heart, soul are all with you. Only when you talk to me, can i regain sanity, peace and study properly.
That's all for this week, before i end this post, i just have to say it just once more, I LOVE YOU.
very very un-HAPPYJUICE!
Moving on to the more personal side of me, i couldn't take it anymore, my emotions erupted. I said it to her, just said it and asked if the feeling was mutual. I practically just wallowed in misery, expecting a rejection sms back. Nope, i did not get rejected, i think? She misses me, when i don't sms, but can't talk to me directly. She treats me differently from a friend. But she wants me to just give up. I can't. I can't simply give up on something that feels so right. In fact, she's the only person who's right in my life right now, and she wants out. Does she love me? Cos i LOVE her, with all my heart. She i asked why i like her, of all people. I have no way to put that in words, i can show her , in time, by my side. If she'll let me. God knows how she feels really, i just wanna hear the words. Why wont she go steady with me? I would love to be the one to put the smile on her face. To make her days a little brighter. Right now, i think i am burdening her somehow by my feelings, but i have to try, i must. And if she is reading this, i am really sorry for the pain i might have caused you, really sorry. I love you and i need you. I want to be with you, will you be with me? I need you to be complete, now i'm only half the man i was, before i met you.
Right, now that i got that off my mind, gotta move on and thank my friends, all of them and a certain someone, shahirah, thanks(did i get the spelling right?) for the concern and the help she's given me. Thanks.
Gotta move on, but I'm not, but i gotta pick up the pieces. I still love you. You know. I always will. I have to study now, but i can't without you, i need to know you;re there, i need to talk to you, my mind, heart, soul are all with you. Only when you talk to me, can i regain sanity, peace and study properly.
That's all for this week, before i end this post, i just have to say it just once more, I LOVE YOU.
very very un-HAPPYJUICE!
Friday, September 5, 2008
Okay, what was i thinking? Life can't be good without you.
I'm the man who can't be moved. I'm just a broken hearted man. How can i move on when I'm still in love with you?
Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me, and you're heart starts to wonder where on this earth i could be. Thinking maybe you'd come back here to the place that we'd meet and you see me waiting for you on the corner of your street. I'm not moving, I'm not moving.
Yes, what in the hell was i thinking? I can't live happily without some people, one person, to be particular. The stupid things i try. Anyways, as the song suggests, it summarises me and my god forsaken feelings for some people-one person- in the lyrics of a song, The man who can't be moved by the script. I can't move on, I can't give up. I'll be here, all the time, for you. On the corner of your street, along the sidelines, for you.
Well, i spent the most part of my day ignoring every thought of that one person, and fuck! my mind is persistent. I could no longer ignore after like 4 hours.........that's my will power, 4 miserable hours. My dad was right, Rule number 1: Do not love, love will see to the end of you, the one weak link in the chain....look at Clarke Kent, spider man, iron man, hulk...yadayada....they all love and that in itself makes them just as strong as they are weak.
Went out nowhere today, as far as physical means go. I spent the whole day at home. I didn't even go to church, spent it all at at home, computer--BATTLEFIELD 2, i finished the whole game. And PSP, fifa pro street 2, played a good erm, 4 hours? And the first thing i did this morning was watch a solid hour of Flintstones, in last nights boxers, without brushing my teeth....etc. I did study, just in case you were wondering, the 4 hours i was ignoring my pesky thoughts, i did a'maths. Managed to get some work done.
Wow, looks like the 1 week holidays are over. And i barely did anything productive at all. I just spent it wallowing in misery, reminiscing on thoughts of things and people. Barely did any exercise, no running at all, just weights and push ups and sit ups and leg raises.....etc.
Didn't think too much about things, today was pretty much stoned, played and well, wasted away. The only real thoughts i had were of.....yup, you guessed it. I will shy away from the specifics. I mean, today was the kind of day I'd spend staring at my belly button for hours, just cause i can. Not that i did stare at it of course, i am a higher mammal after all.
There goes another day, another page in the book of my life, where we fail to meet, fail to speak, fail to communicate. The ink on these pages are never dry.
Oh and HAHA! i know something you don't!!!!!
somewhatconfusedyetHAPPYJUICE!
Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me, and you're heart starts to wonder where on this earth i could be. Thinking maybe you'd come back here to the place that we'd meet and you see me waiting for you on the corner of your street. I'm not moving, I'm not moving.
Yes, what in the hell was i thinking? I can't live happily without some people, one person, to be particular. The stupid things i try. Anyways, as the song suggests, it summarises me and my god forsaken feelings for some people-one person- in the lyrics of a song, The man who can't be moved by the script. I can't move on, I can't give up. I'll be here, all the time, for you. On the corner of your street, along the sidelines, for you.
Well, i spent the most part of my day ignoring every thought of that one person, and fuck! my mind is persistent. I could no longer ignore after like 4 hours.........that's my will power, 4 miserable hours. My dad was right, Rule number 1: Do not love, love will see to the end of you, the one weak link in the chain....look at Clarke Kent, spider man, iron man, hulk...yadayada....they all love and that in itself makes them just as strong as they are weak.
Went out nowhere today, as far as physical means go. I spent the whole day at home. I didn't even go to church, spent it all at at home, computer--BATTLEFIELD 2, i finished the whole game. And PSP, fifa pro street 2, played a good erm, 4 hours? And the first thing i did this morning was watch a solid hour of Flintstones, in last nights boxers, without brushing my teeth....etc. I did study, just in case you were wondering, the 4 hours i was ignoring my pesky thoughts, i did a'maths. Managed to get some work done.
Wow, looks like the 1 week holidays are over. And i barely did anything productive at all. I just spent it wallowing in misery, reminiscing on thoughts of things and people. Barely did any exercise, no running at all, just weights and push ups and sit ups and leg raises.....etc.
Didn't think too much about things, today was pretty much stoned, played and well, wasted away. The only real thoughts i had were of.....yup, you guessed it. I will shy away from the specifics. I mean, today was the kind of day I'd spend staring at my belly button for hours, just cause i can. Not that i did stare at it of course, i am a higher mammal after all.
There goes another day, another page in the book of my life, where we fail to meet, fail to speak, fail to communicate. The ink on these pages are never dry.
Oh and HAHA! i know something you don't!!!!!
somewhatconfusedyetHAPPYJUICE!
life can be good, i can live with just myself, i think?
Well, today was a damn boring day of discovery for me.
Spent the whole day at home....watched teevee and studied for a couple of hours. I tried to fix my problem of differentiation and integration. I managed to get most of it, I'd say but, only results will tell i guess.....Got new strings for my guitar strings yesterday, changed em. Played guitar till my fingers became sore, waited till they felt better and played some more. Sang till my lungs gave in.
Well, for the more fun part of the day, i spent my time watching jackass with my bro Pat, damn funny sia, drink horse semen, get a beard made of other men's pubic hair, feed his penis to a snake, alot of damn stupid shit....damn fucked up. Laughed till my already flat lungs could take no more, which was a surprising amount it could take. Then, i was talking to alexus, on msn. Somehow, he got down to teaching me his not yet published version of the alexussutra. Damn funny also, like the kamasutra but funnier and lacks the whole topic of sex...haha.
I thought alot today..........alot of stupid things came up. And seemingly significant yet now insignificant thoughts came to mind....i shan't elaborate on those thoughts. I did think alot about how i'm going to miss St pat's next year. The whole atmosphere, the physical place, the people-friends and teachers. I so don't wanna leave st pats man....can't go to 7-11 or parkway or marine parade or katong after school. Can't go hang out with the guys after school, can't see people whom i'd like to see everyday. 4 years just flew by like that, i want back to at least sec 3 man, that was the time of my life so far. Where nothing than just having fun mattered. I was dedicated to having fun and studying, nothing else. This year was(oh my god, i have to use past tense already....shit!) also damn fun, come to think about it. We had fun, went out, i had a ball of a time. We got to know each other better. We spent more time together.
I thought about how i changed, physically, emotionally, mentally. Physically, I've obviously grown, built some muscle, lost some weight( still more to lose) and well, grown! haha. Emotionally, I've developed. I care way too god damned much now and, that's not helping me, trying to stop caring now. Mentally, the way i think has changed alot....sec 1, i see a picture of a naked girl, I'd close my eyes and yell EEE. Now, hahaha, it's a different story. I seem to know what i want in life. I tend to think on a more mature level, to make me and others happy.
Well, thats all i am gonna blog about now. That's all I'm gonna say for now. What I'm trying, you'll know soon enough.
By the way, whoever you are reading this, any form of contact you make with me will not make any difference to me....haha.
tryingtobeHAPPYJUICE!
Spent the whole day at home....watched teevee and studied for a couple of hours. I tried to fix my problem of differentiation and integration. I managed to get most of it, I'd say but, only results will tell i guess.....Got new strings for my guitar strings yesterday, changed em. Played guitar till my fingers became sore, waited till they felt better and played some more. Sang till my lungs gave in.
Well, for the more fun part of the day, i spent my time watching jackass with my bro Pat, damn funny sia, drink horse semen, get a beard made of other men's pubic hair, feed his penis to a snake, alot of damn stupid shit....damn fucked up. Laughed till my already flat lungs could take no more, which was a surprising amount it could take. Then, i was talking to alexus, on msn. Somehow, he got down to teaching me his not yet published version of the alexussutra. Damn funny also, like the kamasutra but funnier and lacks the whole topic of sex...haha.
I thought alot today..........alot of stupid things came up. And seemingly significant yet now insignificant thoughts came to mind....i shan't elaborate on those thoughts. I did think alot about how i'm going to miss St pat's next year. The whole atmosphere, the physical place, the people-friends and teachers. I so don't wanna leave st pats man....can't go to 7-11 or parkway or marine parade or katong after school. Can't go hang out with the guys after school, can't see people whom i'd like to see everyday. 4 years just flew by like that, i want back to at least sec 3 man, that was the time of my life so far. Where nothing than just having fun mattered. I was dedicated to having fun and studying, nothing else. This year was(oh my god, i have to use past tense already....shit!) also damn fun, come to think about it. We had fun, went out, i had a ball of a time. We got to know each other better. We spent more time together.
I thought about how i changed, physically, emotionally, mentally. Physically, I've obviously grown, built some muscle, lost some weight( still more to lose) and well, grown! haha. Emotionally, I've developed. I care way too god damned much now and, that's not helping me, trying to stop caring now. Mentally, the way i think has changed alot....sec 1, i see a picture of a naked girl, I'd close my eyes and yell EEE. Now, hahaha, it's a different story. I seem to know what i want in life. I tend to think on a more mature level, to make me and others happy.
Well, thats all i am gonna blog about now. That's all I'm gonna say for now. What I'm trying, you'll know soon enough.
By the way, whoever you are reading this, any form of contact you make with me will not make any difference to me....haha.
tryingtobeHAPPYJUICE!
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
I need a clue, so show me a sign.
In a world so big, it's not easy to choose, which pawn to move.
Can't agree more, in this diverse yet incredibly limited world, it's not easy to choose-people, choices, events, anything. Today was a really wasted day as far as academics would go, i barely studied consciously. I did however, skim through physics and chem and bio. The only real work that i did do today was A'maths- i know i suck at it but if I'm gonna fail it, i gotta do it with some dignity.
Spent the entire day at home, i keep putting off this trip to peninsula to get clothes and a couple of other things like guitar strings and what not, for a while now. I should probably get down to getting over with the shopping-ugh- by tomorrow.
I'll cut my monologue short, today was spent without her completely, not even a decent hi today. It really hurt. But there really is no point in telling you anonymous people out there about my feelings is there? So wa-lah, I'll wallow in my misery in the privacy of the night and my room.
On to something a little more happy. Well, to be crudely honest, nothing happy has been going on in my life lately, just alot of high drama sad stuff that i don't seem to respond to with much interest or distaste, no drama from me. Everything that could have possibly gone wrong in my life has seemingly gone wrong. And i frankly can no longer be bothered by it, just study and do what i do best-keep on keeping on; LIFE IS A GARDEN, DIG IT!(quoting the oh-so-famous Joe dirt). There is one thing though that will never get off my mind, you guessed it, her.
I just so happen to spend the last week or so of my right now not too attractive life, in complete and absolute boredom, not finding solace in playing guitar or the rather abstract, juvenile and stupid things i usually do like putting insects in my microwave. I have finally stopped masking my emotions, i cry when it hurts, i laugh when its funny, punch me i bleed. I've grown up and i seriously want back to adolescent denial. I don't like having to make mature decisions to satisfy myself and no one else. Some part of me is compelling me to make mature decisions and the other minority of me wants to break free, do things for no reason, to just do things and not care about the consequences; RULE number one when you're a Patrician: Do not care about the consequences, just do what you want. The rest of the world can just fuck the hell off. Well, news flash, it just ain't working for me. I don't give a flying fuck about what the world thinks or has to say but, i do know that a certain sense of mature rationality would lead me to believe that some things i used to do not too long ago were really really stupid to the bone, not even sideshow Bob would find it amusing.
I spent the most part of my day just thinking of random shit, when she was not on my mind of course. That was like a fraction of a second every few hours. But anyhow, as the title of this entry suggests, i thought about how i made every last one of my decisions. Some were a very basic, animal level. Others were made on a higher level of understanding of things, a more rational level. Not all my decisions are well thought through, some may even be made on a basis of losing a match of rock paper scissors. Other more important ones, i think through. Did i make these decisions myself or has some higher being always influenced or guided me along these turns? Ironically, only god would know.
Well, i thought about alot of other things that probably will never affect me in this lifetime and even more things related to well, her. So, i shall not elaborate on any of them, seems i am wasting my time and infringing my own privacy by telling a number of perhaps harebrained, anonymous and ignorant strangers about my feelings, not that i meant any offence.
I am guessing thats all i got for tonight, as far as not repeating myself would go. So later people, ciao!
HAPPY-yet confused-JUICE!
Can't agree more, in this diverse yet incredibly limited world, it's not easy to choose-people, choices, events, anything. Today was a really wasted day as far as academics would go, i barely studied consciously. I did however, skim through physics and chem and bio. The only real work that i did do today was A'maths- i know i suck at it but if I'm gonna fail it, i gotta do it with some dignity.
Spent the entire day at home, i keep putting off this trip to peninsula to get clothes and a couple of other things like guitar strings and what not, for a while now. I should probably get down to getting over with the shopping-ugh- by tomorrow.
I'll cut my monologue short, today was spent without her completely, not even a decent hi today. It really hurt. But there really is no point in telling you anonymous people out there about my feelings is there? So wa-lah, I'll wallow in my misery in the privacy of the night and my room.
On to something a little more happy. Well, to be crudely honest, nothing happy has been going on in my life lately, just alot of high drama sad stuff that i don't seem to respond to with much interest or distaste, no drama from me. Everything that could have possibly gone wrong in my life has seemingly gone wrong. And i frankly can no longer be bothered by it, just study and do what i do best-keep on keeping on; LIFE IS A GARDEN, DIG IT!(quoting the oh-so-famous Joe dirt). There is one thing though that will never get off my mind, you guessed it, her.
I just so happen to spend the last week or so of my right now not too attractive life, in complete and absolute boredom, not finding solace in playing guitar or the rather abstract, juvenile and stupid things i usually do like putting insects in my microwave. I have finally stopped masking my emotions, i cry when it hurts, i laugh when its funny, punch me i bleed. I've grown up and i seriously want back to adolescent denial. I don't like having to make mature decisions to satisfy myself and no one else. Some part of me is compelling me to make mature decisions and the other minority of me wants to break free, do things for no reason, to just do things and not care about the consequences; RULE number one when you're a Patrician: Do not care about the consequences, just do what you want. The rest of the world can just fuck the hell off. Well, news flash, it just ain't working for me. I don't give a flying fuck about what the world thinks or has to say but, i do know that a certain sense of mature rationality would lead me to believe that some things i used to do not too long ago were really really stupid to the bone, not even sideshow Bob would find it amusing.
I spent the most part of my day just thinking of random shit, when she was not on my mind of course. That was like a fraction of a second every few hours. But anyhow, as the title of this entry suggests, i thought about how i made every last one of my decisions. Some were a very basic, animal level. Others were made on a higher level of understanding of things, a more rational level. Not all my decisions are well thought through, some may even be made on a basis of losing a match of rock paper scissors. Other more important ones, i think through. Did i make these decisions myself or has some higher being always influenced or guided me along these turns? Ironically, only god would know.
Well, i thought about alot of other things that probably will never affect me in this lifetime and even more things related to well, her. So, i shall not elaborate on any of them, seems i am wasting my time and infringing my own privacy by telling a number of perhaps harebrained, anonymous and ignorant strangers about my feelings, not that i meant any offence.
I am guessing thats all i got for tonight, as far as not repeating myself would go. So later people, ciao!
HAPPY-yet confused-JUICE!
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder, let your clarity difine you.
Ok, today was generally damn fun. Went to school for a'maths this morning. After that, went to Mandarin gardens for badminton! and i borrowed Battlefield 2 from Matthew and he also game me fifa street 2 for psp. All damn fun games. Played badminton after that. Before we went back, we played a bit of guitar, Gerard brought hi. And, we sparred. Yes, you heard me right, i sparred too. With Gerard, Rajeevan and kelvin. Stood through all the fights, so far, i haven't lost any battles. Man, if i knew it was this fun, I'd have started the whole sparring thing a long time ago.
Anyway, today was also a horrible day, i spent it without her. She smsed me like around 2 plus and I've been hung up on it since. Now, i don't start conversations and all, since there is another guy involved and all, i figured it's best i love her from a distance. I don't want to be a toerag to her, like a freaking shadow you don't want. She also chatted with me on msn earlier, then she just stopped replying after a while, like it always happens even by sms. It would be really stupid if i become close to her like we're having a relationship and one day she sez we're only friends, the relationships stops there; friends. I'll always be here, by now she'd know at least that and that i haven't given up, i don't want to.
Today i also pondered about how short life can be, at Matt's place, his dad was talking about this dude who took his Bros car out for a drive and crashed it and died that instant. The dude was also Alexus's friend. So, life can be really short. Am i ready to die? have i done all i can to contribute to the world? have i said all i need? Have i lived a fruitful life? Will i be missed, by who? Will people turn up to my funeral? Will my eulogy be a good one? There was also a long list of questions about love where the ink is never dry. So many questions and only one lifetime to answer them all. I decided I'll start with the simplest of things, if i die, did i tell all whom i love that i love them, my parents, my family, my friends, her, everyone? I doubt death would be graceful enough to permit me to say a final goodbye to them all. So, for the record, if i die anytime soon and i don't get a chance to let you all know, I LOVE YOU all, mom dad, Pat, Ben, and YOU my dear; you know who you are. I realised that when the book of my life is written, i want it to be a regret free one, i wanna have tried all good things and made all around me happy. I wanna have loved those i love all i can. So, i will say what i feel and mean it to whoever it is i am saying it to. I don't want there to be a chapter on enmity in the book of my life, i don't have any enemies, and i plan to keep it that way.
I also thought alot about many abstract things and they all have one thing in common, they all root back to her, cos the truth of the matter is, i can't pass a minute without her in my head. So, there is really no point in me telling you guys more about the things i pondered about today, I'll just bore you with more lovey dovey emotions i have. So, before i end this post, i just wanna say before it's too late to say it to her, i love you, with all my heart, take my heart, keep it. It's yours, you can throw it, i don't want it back from you ever. I don't think I'll ever get a chance to say it to her judging by the way things are now, but nevertheless, i got it off my chest now. She may never know and i may never say but now we all know, and she still doesn't know...haha.
HAPPYJUICE!
(I'll have to believe this for now)
Anyway, today was also a horrible day, i spent it without her. She smsed me like around 2 plus and I've been hung up on it since. Now, i don't start conversations and all, since there is another guy involved and all, i figured it's best i love her from a distance. I don't want to be a toerag to her, like a freaking shadow you don't want. She also chatted with me on msn earlier, then she just stopped replying after a while, like it always happens even by sms. It would be really stupid if i become close to her like we're having a relationship and one day she sez we're only friends, the relationships stops there; friends. I'll always be here, by now she'd know at least that and that i haven't given up, i don't want to.
Today i also pondered about how short life can be, at Matt's place, his dad was talking about this dude who took his Bros car out for a drive and crashed it and died that instant. The dude was also Alexus's friend. So, life can be really short. Am i ready to die? have i done all i can to contribute to the world? have i said all i need? Have i lived a fruitful life? Will i be missed, by who? Will people turn up to my funeral? Will my eulogy be a good one? There was also a long list of questions about love where the ink is never dry. So many questions and only one lifetime to answer them all. I decided I'll start with the simplest of things, if i die, did i tell all whom i love that i love them, my parents, my family, my friends, her, everyone? I doubt death would be graceful enough to permit me to say a final goodbye to them all. So, for the record, if i die anytime soon and i don't get a chance to let you all know, I LOVE YOU all, mom dad, Pat, Ben, and YOU my dear; you know who you are. I realised that when the book of my life is written, i want it to be a regret free one, i wanna have tried all good things and made all around me happy. I wanna have loved those i love all i can. So, i will say what i feel and mean it to whoever it is i am saying it to. I don't want there to be a chapter on enmity in the book of my life, i don't have any enemies, and i plan to keep it that way.
I also thought alot about many abstract things and they all have one thing in common, they all root back to her, cos the truth of the matter is, i can't pass a minute without her in my head. So, there is really no point in me telling you guys more about the things i pondered about today, I'll just bore you with more lovey dovey emotions i have. So, before i end this post, i just wanna say before it's too late to say it to her, i love you, with all my heart, take my heart, keep it. It's yours, you can throw it, i don't want it back from you ever. I don't think I'll ever get a chance to say it to her judging by the way things are now, but nevertheless, i got it off my chest now. She may never know and i may never say but now we all know, and she still doesn't know...haha.
HAPPYJUICE!
(I'll have to believe this for now)
Monday, September 1, 2008
WHAT A WICKED GAME TO PLAY GIRL?
today was damn screwed up. I realised my fears have been confirmed, there is another guy. Yepps, there is....another lucky motherfucking bastard who is "tired from running through her mind all day" and he isn't me, she left a name....G*****something. And i'm still smsing her, i love her too god damned much. EVEN NOW. Technically, she hasn't rejected me, i said i love you and she never said anything....dunno what to make of it.
i made a promise to her, i ain't giving up until she tells me to give up, screw off and move on straight and flat on my face. So, Emelia, if ur reading this, u'd be doing me a huge favour if you just rejected me and gave me some closure. If there is another guy in your heart that is. Cuz I'm a man of my word and i intend to keep my promise to you. Just know, I love you and i always will. I don't care what happens, i love you, the rest i can live with. You can always come to me for a shoulder to cry on anything else. I'll be here.
I realised that being a nice guy never pays off. Being me never pays off. For some reason, many girls just don't like nice guys. Ladida for me huh. I Have only one song to dedicate to Emelia, yes honey you. Wicked game by H.I.M. Go check it out. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4WA2jBMk-Pk check it out.
I really am heart broken today. I have no idea what to write about, i can't seem to feel anything more than the pain i feel now, it's eaten a hole out of my chest, leaving a huge void there only my emotional counterpart can fill, you can fill.
My day today was filled with lots of questions today. Why being the most part of these questions. ahh, HECK. i am too hurt to blog, my emotions are in the pits now, I'll let them burn. I'll blog about something more happy some other time.
I just wanna thank some people here, now. For all the emotional support and advice they have given me, thanks dudes and dudettes, Shariah, aj, Matthew and Gerard. i really appreciate it.
Between now and then, until i see you again, I'll be loving you. Love, me.
HAPPYJUICE!
(you have no idea how hard I'm working to put up a smile and not cry)
i made a promise to her, i ain't giving up until she tells me to give up, screw off and move on straight and flat on my face. So, Emelia, if ur reading this, u'd be doing me a huge favour if you just rejected me and gave me some closure. If there is another guy in your heart that is. Cuz I'm a man of my word and i intend to keep my promise to you. Just know, I love you and i always will. I don't care what happens, i love you, the rest i can live with. You can always come to me for a shoulder to cry on anything else. I'll be here.
I realised that being a nice guy never pays off. Being me never pays off. For some reason, many girls just don't like nice guys. Ladida for me huh. I Have only one song to dedicate to Emelia, yes honey you. Wicked game by H.I.M. Go check it out. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4WA2jBMk-Pk check it out.
I really am heart broken today. I have no idea what to write about, i can't seem to feel anything more than the pain i feel now, it's eaten a hole out of my chest, leaving a huge void there only my emotional counterpart can fill, you can fill.
My day today was filled with lots of questions today. Why being the most part of these questions. ahh, HECK. i am too hurt to blog, my emotions are in the pits now, I'll let them burn. I'll blog about something more happy some other time.
I just wanna thank some people here, now. For all the emotional support and advice they have given me, thanks dudes and dudettes, Shariah, aj, Matthew and Gerard. i really appreciate it.
Between now and then, until i see you again, I'll be loving you. Love, me.
HAPPYJUICE!
(you have no idea how hard I'm working to put up a smile and not cry)
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