Its funny how things never play out the way i expect them to. I was going to marry her. Have 3 beautiful kids. Be a family man. A good husband. Worlds best dad. Was going to finish uni, get a job, a house. Have a loving wife. But i guess how could any of these things come to be, if i was never in the first place a good boyfriend? Apparently I was a dick. and deep inside me somewhere i knew i was a dick, i was a colossal asshole. I never listened. I was selfish. I was never there. I never listened. I never did the things she wanted. Somewhere in my bitterness towards my entire life, army, mother, father, brother and everything else, i forgot how to be romantic- i stopped being romantic. I was just so angry. And she stood by me. she never let me down. she was my saving grace. My break. My life. everything that mattered. the reason i woke up every morning. the reason i kept going when things were unthinkably bad. she was the best part of me.
And now she's gone. by my own doing. I unknowingly, because of my selfish ways, pushed her out. I hurt her. I broke "us". She's gone. I'll never hug her. Never hold her. Never kiss her forehead, her cheeks. Her lips. Never see how she smiles up at me, smiles her perfect happy smile, whenever she meets me. I'll never hear her voice laden with love and affection. Never hold her hands. Never just sit with her and enjoy her presence. Never lay on her lap again. Never kiss her on the top of her head with her head on my chest. Never listen to all her funny dreams. Never hug her from behind. Never spoon with her till we both fall asleep. Never kiss her in her sleep. Never take care of her when she's drunk. She's gone. She may never be mine again. The best part of my entire life is gone. The person who was my mother my father my sister my best friend my lover my everything is gone. I am a terrible person. i know not why i wake in the mornings anymore. colors seem dull. food tastes bland. The only thing that feels right now is pain. i feel like i have a huge hole punched right through my chest. i walk around like a ghost. devoid of life. of purpose. the light at the end of my tunnel has vanished. no resolution for me. empty. hollow. scared. lost. pained. hurt.
After some reflection, and going through all the letters, photos, texts and gifts, i've come to realize that i am just a HORRIBLE person. I don't know why people put up with me. I'm selfish. I have no regard for anything. I take people for granted. I don't respect people nearly enough. I have issues I haven't dealt with.
Nothing is going to be okay. This isn't something I think I can recover from. I would rather she killed me or shot me. If only she would have just inflicted flesh wounds. If only i could turn back time. If only I could be a better boyfriend.
I want her back. I want to be everything she ever wanted. I want to make things okay. I want my life back. I want the love of my life back. I want to make her feel like she should.
I never told her these things. But she is undoubtedly the best person i know. her heart is so beautiful. she illuminates any place she's at. she's kind. she's loving. she's the only person who truly matters to me. she is the only person i have ever had eyes for. no girl could ever compare to her beauty. she deserves the best. she's perfect. she's the purpose my world turns. the reason my sun rises and sets. the reason i wake up. the reason i do anything at all.
