And so a new chapter unfurls.

overconfident.

ha ha ha

How I wish I was/am indeed overconfident.

Being broken to bits repeatedly as a child, all the way up until one is 18 can make one very very unbelievably comfortable in such a state.

Sure, I've gotten past it. I've made something, albeit not something oh so fantastic, of myself.

To fail, I am not afraid.

Back to the grind again, not something I am alien to.


Why won't I ask GOD for anything?
Because people starve to death out there, They get mutilated and tortured and raped. I am able bodied. What more can any decent man ask for?

Whatever I want, anything my mind can conceive, I am perfectly capable of achieving from my own hard work. An able body is all I have to thank the heavens for.







In other more important news though, it would appear I am in love.
Irrevocably so it would also appear, as of yesterday.

What of us now?

Guess we'l find out, Only time will tell.
But i do hope to god with every molecule of my being, that 20 years from now we both read this and laugh at my post adolescent hopefulness. At my initial thoughts of once again ( and hopefully for the last time) having someone else's heart beating in place of mine, in the hollow of my chest.


Love.

This isn't who i am.

I fucking hate it.
this isn't me.


and yet when i find myself in utter desolation
no one.

and yet when i find myself in this state,
the only people i find myself needin.

michel
aj
morgan
shiva
cedric

period.

who else would be there right?

Inside.

I'm ridiculously sick now.

In all my 23 years, I doubt that I've ever been this lost.
I should be studying, sleeping, working.....something.
But I cannot, not now. Not with these thoughts in my head.

Everything I have ever stood for is being questioned now. Have I let life take me on this ride?
What am I doing?

Who am I?

What is it I want?
Je Ne Sais Pas.

meh.

Days pass me by, and I feel stale.
Faded, it's what I feel.

I don't like this lifestyle, or do I?
What happened to the old me?

I'm not this. This facade, it's almost completely consumed me.
Work has never held such importance to me. Why do I do what I do?
I miss my mom. My brothers. My family.

Hustling takes it's toll. It breaks me.

I think I like her, and then a little more.
She's complicated. I don't need that. But.
I cannot help myself.
Help.

School has been exactly what i've expected.
not surprising at all. I find I'm unable to focus. I seem to have lost direction.

This never happens. I'm Always the most focused person I know. I only ever waver when things in me aren't calm. When my emotional state is steadfast, firm and immovable.

Those days seem to elude me now.

I've been starting to start over. And it isn't easy when I don't know what direction I want my life to take.

Loneliness isn't nice. It isn't fun.
Life as I know it seems to be falling apart, right in front of my eyes. I'm helpless.






My life is great though. Anyone else in my shoes would be having a ball of a time.
But what does the world know about me? I would throw it all away, none of it means anything to me. Perhaps I'd throw it all, except for the people I've come to love. As brothers. As family.

Conflicted.
Anger.
irritation.

Writing isn't helping.

Inside, the dogs are weeping.

I need to find myself again.
fuck.