In a world so big, it's not easy to choose, which pawn to move.
Can't agree more, in this diverse yet incredibly limited world, it's not easy to choose-people, choices, events, anything. Today was a really wasted day as far as academics would go, i barely studied consciously. I did however, skim through physics and chem and bio. The only real work that i did do today was A'maths- i know i suck at it but if I'm gonna fail it, i gotta do it with some dignity.
Spent the entire day at home, i keep putting off this trip to peninsula to get clothes and a couple of other things like guitar strings and what not, for a while now. I should probably get down to getting over with the shopping-ugh- by tomorrow.
I'll cut my monologue short, today was spent without her completely, not even a decent hi today. It really hurt. But there really is no point in telling you anonymous people out there about my feelings is there? So wa-lah, I'll wallow in my misery in the privacy of the night and my room.
On to something a little more happy. Well, to be crudely honest, nothing happy has been going on in my life lately, just alot of high drama sad stuff that i don't seem to respond to with much interest or distaste, no drama from me. Everything that could have possibly gone wrong in my life has seemingly gone wrong. And i frankly can no longer be bothered by it, just study and do what i do best-keep on keeping on; LIFE IS A GARDEN, DIG IT!(quoting the oh-so-famous Joe dirt). There is one thing though that will never get off my mind, you guessed it, her.
I just so happen to spend the last week or so of my right now not too attractive life, in complete and absolute boredom, not finding solace in playing guitar or the rather abstract, juvenile and stupid things i usually do like putting insects in my microwave. I have finally stopped masking my emotions, i cry when it hurts, i laugh when its funny, punch me i bleed. I've grown up and i seriously want back to adolescent denial. I don't like having to make mature decisions to satisfy myself and no one else. Some part of me is compelling me to make mature decisions and the other minority of me wants to break free, do things for no reason, to just do things and not care about the consequences; RULE number one when you're a Patrician: Do not care about the consequences, just do what you want. The rest of the world can just fuck the hell off. Well, news flash, it just ain't working for me. I don't give a flying fuck about what the world thinks or has to say but, i do know that a certain sense of mature rationality would lead me to believe that some things i used to do not too long ago were really really stupid to the bone, not even sideshow Bob would find it amusing.
I spent the most part of my day just thinking of random shit, when she was not on my mind of course. That was like a fraction of a second every few hours. But anyhow, as the title of this entry suggests, i thought about how i made every last one of my decisions. Some were a very basic, animal level. Others were made on a higher level of understanding of things, a more rational level. Not all my decisions are well thought through, some may even be made on a basis of losing a match of rock paper scissors. Other more important ones, i think through. Did i make these decisions myself or has some higher being always influenced or guided me along these turns? Ironically, only god would know.
Well, i thought about alot of other things that probably will never affect me in this lifetime and even more things related to well, her. So, i shall not elaborate on any of them, seems i am wasting my time and infringing my own privacy by telling a number of perhaps harebrained, anonymous and ignorant strangers about my feelings, not that i meant any offence.
I am guessing thats all i got for tonight, as far as not repeating myself would go. So later people, ciao!
HAPPY-yet confused-JUICE!
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