REVIVAL!

Okay, HAPPY 2009 PEOPLE!
Hmm, i still find it hard to believe 2008 is over man.
aha.
Okay, time to reminisce 2008. The things i miss most about 2008.
1) SCHOOL! I miss all the times in class, in between lessons, the fun. Tskk, it's all gone now.
2) The times A.J, Rajeevan and I hiked to seven eleven to get Big Gulp or root beer or just for the walk to pass some time with good company.
3) The Jamming sessions with the guys, Gerard, Matthew, Sean Gan, Joel, Irwan and Aj. Thanks guys. ROCK ON!
4) Adam Khoo talks, that was fun man, we didn't listen to the bugger at all. We entertained ourselves.
5) All the camps at st pat's, the time we managed to spend the night over at school.

Now, the things that i can't believe about 2008.
1) I can't believe i actually managed to make acquaintance with Nisha. It was a damn long crush man.
2) I can't believe i confessed my feelings and got rejected in the face.
3) I can't believe my parents are really giving up on their marriage.
4) I can't believe i blindly went after Emelia, stupidity.
5) I can't believe Nisha called me back out after rejecting me, thank god you did baby =)
6) I can't believe I'm actually attached happily with Nisha now.
7) I can't believe i got rid or my moustache.
8) I can't believe i pierced my ear.
9) I can't believe i actually played at Krystal's parents' wedding anniversary.

Now the things i will NOT miss about 2008
1) EMELIA
2) Er, A'math lessons and exams.
3) Hmm, all the nagging and whining i endured.
4) Breaking my guitar, poor Molly.
That's all actually.
2008 Was quite eventful.

Hmm, I'm so bored now, I'm actually blogging again. WOW.
Okay, things i hope to achieve in 2009.
1) Go to JC and be a damn good student.
2) Pick up boxing as a regular sport
3) Be a bloody good Boyfriend. I wanna give you the best baby, i wanna be the best.
4) Build my body till like whoa!
5) Be a better brother.
6) Have fun!
7) Spread some love, people are just way way too god damned up tight and unloved in Singapore man.

Alright, time to talk about my life. It rocks now man. And it's because i have my baby Nisha. Without her, I'd be desolated. Thank-you baby, i love you, BEBY! Hmm, my dad is still being an asshole. He spent Christmas in the fucking Philippines. WTF? affair. tskk. And my brother still gets unfair treatment. New shoes and clothes and money and time and what not. Free lifts to friends houses for my brother, BUT, no lift for me when i call at 2 in the morning after work. Asshole. I'm not even talking to the bastard now.

Okay, enough with the depressing stuff, I'm HAPPY.

I got tagged, and I'm super duper unfamiliar with the idea of being tagged (first time la). So here goes.

-who was the person who tagged you?
Shahirah

-relationship between you and her?
Friends.

-your 5 impressions of her?
Happy, sad, never hateful, more that meets the eye really, really nice.

-if she becomes your enemy, you will?
I doubt that will happen.

-what would you say to the person you like very much?
"Hey, I'm Joshua, you are??" "So, can i buy you lunch sometime?"

-characteristics i like about myself?
I don't get easily swayed by people around me, in fact, not at all (except by you baby.) And, i hardly get affected by anything except for the things that concern the people i love.

-characteristics i hate about myself?
Ehm, i want a more muscular body and i don't want to be dense, i want to be able to read signs and react promptly(you know what i mean baby)

-for the person whom you hate, you say?
" I don't hate you, i like you."

-what do the people around you feel about you?
Different people would say different things about me, but i try to leave the best impression of myself that i can manage.

-your crush(es)?
Not a crush anymore, It's true love. I love Nisha, i love you darling.

pass this to 10 people.
Erm, i don't know ten people with blogs, haha.
So yeah. Can't do this.

So i guess this is where i end this blogpost.
I'll blog again soon. Soon, i think.
HAHA.

iloveyou, Nisha.

Ok, my life is falling apart. Perfect timing.

Shit. My life has been falling apart these past few months. Yep, you heard me right. Firstly, my parents are getting a fucking divorce. I have no idea who I'm going with, my holidays are freaking shit--bored and broke. And my dad is being a fucking bastard. Yes. I'm fucked. There are only two things i have to hang on to in my damned life now, good friends and of course, you Nisha(if you're reading at all).

Okay, my parents have always been fighting for as long as i can remember. Lets just say that it is no secret that their love boat sailed and sunk a long long time ago. But i never really thought they would actually go for a damn divorce, sure the idea was thrown about quire a bit but now they've latched on to the idea. Fuck.

My stupid job is been on hold for a while now, i was supposed to have training for the the damn job yesterday but the shitty hotel, Shang Ri La mind you, had some miscommunication problem and failed to tell quite a number of us that training was postponed to next week. This on it's own sucks, i don't get to start work until like a weeks time - one more boring and broke week. And it didn't help that i find out that training was cancelled after i get to the damn hotel in town, all the way from freaking Pasir Ris. My dad refuses to give me money at all too. Fuck.

And yes, my dad is being the ultimate bastard. He is literally putting my brothers above me, what the fuck? Favouritism. My brother gets what ever the hell he wants and doesn't have to ask and merely has to mention it in conversation. I mean, he got my brother, fucking expensive clothes, an iPod, a laptop, a bloody good phone, and now a damned good guitar. All for no good reasons, and i get grounded and my pocket money suspended. My freedom is fucked up and all. My brother on the other hand gets what ever the hell he likes, despite being a complete wastrel, smoking and all. Fuck. My dad won't even pay for my boxing man, what the fucking hell? Asshole. Now I'm stuck at home with no freedom, money or entertainment-xbox is broken too. And my brother gets what ever he wants.

Seems to me that my life like falls apart when it's time for me to be happy and merry after my O'levels. I mean, I'll never again in my entire life be able to enjoy my life like i can now. I have no worries now, or at least I'm not supposed to but hell. I do have more worries.

It'll be exactly one month together babe, come Friday. And i pray to god it's just the beginning of an eternity together. I love you very much darling(if you're reading at all, cos i doubt i gave you the URL to my blog.)

I have many more problems and unfair things to complain about but I'm not gonna bore those of you reading my blog any further. haha.

"I love you and that's all i really know"

Nisha, I love you.

Ok, it's been a long time since i last blogged. I guess i kinda abandoned this blog for a while to not infringe my privacy. But heck.

Ok, time to update. O'levels ended a while back, thank god. I've had my Graduation Night dinner since then and well, i found the love of my life. I love you babe, if you're reading. Also managed to get a job at Shang Ri La hotel Singapore. I'm a waiter at banquets. got the job with Matthew and his sister. Hmm, the o'levels were relatively simple, compared to any exam i've ever sat for. Not too worried about the results, i can wait.

Grad Night was also a fun experience, really cool experience. haha, we were supposed to go to Joel's house for a party and to get so piss drunk and wasted that night. Unfortunately, The damn cab driver refused to take me in his cab, too many people. Asshole.

Hmm, lately, I've screwed up alot. I can't tell what i messed up here, too public but yeahs, i have. And to whomever it may concern; If you are reading at all. I love you very much, i mean every word i say from my heart.

Been trying to write a song lately for you but words somehow fail me when i get down to putting the pen to the paper. Chord progressions and Riffs are no problems, words are the damn problem.

Okays, i have no mood to write anymore, I'm going to write my song now. I'll put it up here as soon as i can, by Sunday i hope. Grad night pictures are up too, all on my facebook. Go check it out if you want.

Sand In My Shoes

Ok, been a while since i last blogged.2 weeks and counting down to the o'levels.Fuck.

Hmm, over the past few weeks, my life has really taken a turn for the worse. Yepps, the worse. This time, it's stuff that's completely out of my control. For one, it looks like my parents are really gonna go ahead with their divorce. That really sucks, i don't want a broken family but i guess I'll look forward to it for now. Not that i am a weird moron or anything, rejoicing in my parents breaking up but, the o's are in 2 weeks and i really am in no emotional condition to deal with their divorce. The way i see things, i could use that as an excuse to get really screwed up results or i could completely avoid the problem and not let it affect me. Logical thinking, with my best interest at mind, leads me to think that i should just not give a hoot about what my parents wanna do.

Moving on, i have decided i should just move on, it's really pointless waiting for you if you won't even talk to me, see me or anything else. I really don't ask for much, but it's the love i haven't got that i just can't live without anymore. I am moving on, picking up the pieces. You really hurt me. And i still can't blame you or think of you as an enemy. I am stupid. There are a million other fish out there, should have listened to people when they told me to move on.

I have been unable to actually tell anyone my true feelings at all for this past couple of weeks. I mean, for one, i really wished my mom just died, like died, capiche. She's been a fucking pain in my ass, reminding me how stupid i am and that I'm gonna fail my o's.Bitch.I so hope she reads this and cries. Other than that, a few things my dad has done that have hurt me but i can't say what and can't talk about it to anyone, no one that would understand. I mean, i can't talk to my male friends about it; there are just somethings that one does not tell his guy friends, they'll be insensitive. And i can't tell any female friend about it, I'll just cry if i do talk about it and i don't cry in front of anyone other than the one i love. Right now, no one fits the bill. So I'm pretty much suppressed and pushed to a corner, i have no choice but to harness and channel all this hurt to studying and doing well at the o's so i can get out of this shithill excuse i call a home. I'll find a way, I'll make it on my own. 2 more years and I'll move out, find my own way.

Been making good friends along the way, and over the past couple of weeks, one in particular. We said goodbye and i never thought i'd see that person again. I shan't elaborate.

It's my last week in saint Pat's and i feel like shit. I somehow find myself emotionally grafted to this school i once called a shithole i was stuck in, in sec1. Now, it practically rips me apart to say goodbye to it. This just pushes it man, my whole life falls apart. Life as i once knew it is coming to an end. Goodbye friends, teachers, school, the table we usually sit at, the place we hang out in the morning, my class, everything. Gonna miss everything about the school, in fact, saint Pat's was more of a culture, a way of life; St Pat's was home, still is home-for now. The one thing i know i was truly cut out for; Being a Patrician.

Well, it's two weeks to the O'levels and i am falling to pieces. This really sucks, my whole life is crumbling to the ground. I knew that love would break me one day, never thought that even my family could. Not that any other love I've ever had actually worked out. Guess since i best study and make a better life for myself, i will, i must. My not-so-distant plans are to just study and make it to Junior College, from there, beloved National Service. Not that i enjoy being physically tortured, but it gives me a better alternative to home. I don't have to see the demented people who just wanna hurt others, whom i call family till the end of the week and even then, I'll sleep or spend my time out of home.

Well i am gonna study now, i have to, it's my only way out. I'll seize the day. I have no one to turn to, unless it works out with i can't say who but it ain't Emelia. I'll go now, don't know when I'll be back again, but wish me luck. Heading headstrong into the O's. And to those of you sitting of the o's with me, best of luck, I'll keep you guys in my prayers(not that i am all too religious.).

ican'tfindthewordstotellyouhowifeel-JUICE!

Oops there goes gravity.

Ok, today, i went to school. It was really fun. We did just about nothing.

Alright, moving on, i really have nothing better to do, hence this blog post.
I can't think of anything to write about today, my day was pretty much routine.

Fineeee, I'll tell more about the plans i have for tomorrow. Meeting Alexus at his place at around 11, playing guitar and singing till like 12? Then meeting Nisha to study Physics and E'maths at Starbucks, east point. Not sure what time we plan to do that until.

hmm, i really didn't ponder much into things today. I did spend a good part of my day convincing myself that metal and can replace her. Then i spent an even better part of my day missing you, i really wanna talk to you. Is it okay with you if i sms you? I wanna know how you are, i wanna let you know that you can confide in me. I need to talk to you, i need to hear your voice. But from what a certain incredibly deluded and stupid acquaintance of mine, you ate my freaking guts. Is it really that big a crime to have shown you affection, to let you know i care. Cos i don't know how to make a feeling go away.

I have this insatiable desire to just pick up my cell, and text you call you, anything. But, i am holding back, you don't seem like you wanna talk to me at all. And i just don't have the heart to refuse you f what you want. You know that, so why don't you just do me a favour and put me out of my misery. Throw me a hint, can i start conversations now? will you reply me again?It's been 2 weeks since we spoke. I really miss you, the angel from my nightmare, the reason why i never woke up. Please, i really would appreciate it if i could talk to you.

So many questions we have in this world of limited answers. And the one question that seems to remain perennially, just a question would be, why? It is funny how just one word can apply to everything in this world. Why this? why that? It's really fucked up. I've been asking myself alot of questions lately, to no avail, i get no answers. Only time can answer my questions, and you.

confusedJUICE!

My Weakness is, that i care too much,

Ok, it's been a while since i last blogged, it's not that i didn't get the time to anything. It's just that the recent events in my life aren't too happy, and i simply didn't think i had the strength to blog about them because, I'd have to remember them and why in the world would i wanna remember bad things?

Anyways, the biggest, most sad event in my life-inspired by one person, you-keeps popping in my head, day or night. So heck, might as well blog about the others, since my excuse for not blogging was recalling.

Firstly, my academic life has become a hopeless derailed train, skidding on thin ice that's headed for the edge of the earth. I got twenty fucking 2 points for the prelims, and that my friends, makes me officially stupid. Then again, the whole level did horribly, the top scorer had 13 points. WTF? Not too late to change the direction i realise, i am studying like mad now-mad!

The most heartlessly cold thing that happened was, Her (or if you happen to read this, you.). She has no idea the cycle of events she triggered in my little already overflowing brain. She never really rejects me, tells me she had feelings for me before, not anymore. Says that it wasn't me screwing up, but something else that she can't explain. She says i am being too nice, i don't get mad at her even when she was in the wrong. I have a reason, i do get pissed, but when you talk to me, my anger vanishes. You fix my problems, just by being there, talking to me. She also says that i began to behave a Little like her ex. Fuck. I know that i am a random, stupid, harebrained little bugger, but do have a code of rules by which i live my life, and breaking your heart in any way, is considered to be an unpardonable action. I would never, not under any balls snapping condition, hurt you or treat you the way that stupid son of a fucking promiscuous bitch of a whore treated you. It's been two weeks since we've spoken or even seen each other.

Just so she knows, i still am waiting for you, when you need me, I'll be right here. Just call me, and I'll come running. I know, it has to be a godsend if you read this but i have to try.

I've been told to move on by all the people who actually give an honest crap about me. I want to move on too, but i can't. Simply can't, i made a promise to her a while back that i'd wait for her for as long as i'll have to, and i can't break that promise, I'll keep waiting.

Going on to something a little more well, i won't say happy, but not doomed. I am actually making a serious effort to study now, i even study combine humanities now. Went to Macs with Nisha on Thursday last week to study. I didn't expect to study at all, but surprisingly, we actually managed to get work done. Also went out to le pak(or relax) with Kelvin and Gerard on Saturday. We did absolutely nothing. Hung out at macs for a bit, then went to Yamaha to get out high-e strings and then, went to a block near Church to sit, talk and rocco. Went to attend novena service after that.

Okay, I'm not going to pretend i am happy here, I'm not. I'm just holding back the tears and misery till after the O's. I can't afford to let my emotions to get the better of me now. 2 more months till i can freely just let it all out. 27 days and counting down, to the beginning of the damned O's, I've decided to take on a more optimistic view of it, I'll face it like a man, like there is nothing they can test me on that i don't know.

What happened to me? I used to be a normal, oh-so-happy teenager just a few months back, as soon as a girl walks into my life, BOOM. It ceases to be anywhere near happy. Every time i fell for a girl(a grand total of 2 times in my short life) my heart breaks to so many pieces, i need a freaking broom and dust pan to pick up the pieces.

nothappyyetindifferentJUICE!

oh somebody kill me please? put a bullet in my head.

Today is the worst day of my life, and the best. This week, my exams ended. And the demise of the results was unleashed on my raw flesh. So, failed combined humanities and failed a'maths. Got a C5 for E'maths and B3 for English and biology. Not sure of my physics and chemistry results. My results are shit and yet, still considered one of the better students. Wtf? and to think st Pat's entrance aggregate requirement is 241....hiaz.

Moving on to the more personal side of me, i couldn't take it anymore, my emotions erupted. I said it to her, just said it and asked if the feeling was mutual. I practically just wallowed in misery, expecting a rejection sms back. Nope, i did not get rejected, i think? She misses me, when i don't sms, but can't talk to me directly. She treats me differently from a friend. But she wants me to just give up. I can't. I can't simply give up on something that feels so right. In fact, she's the only person who's right in my life right now, and she wants out. Does she love me? Cos i LOVE her, with all my heart. She i asked why i like her, of all people. I have no way to put that in words, i can show her , in time, by my side. If she'll let me. God knows how she feels really, i just wanna hear the words. Why wont she go steady with me? I would love to be the one to put the smile on her face. To make her days a little brighter. Right now, i think i am burdening her somehow by my feelings, but i have to try, i must. And if she is reading this, i am really sorry for the pain i might have caused you, really sorry. I love you and i need you. I want to be with you, will you be with me? I need you to be complete, now i'm only half the man i was, before i met you.

Right, now that i got that off my mind, gotta move on and thank my friends, all of them and a certain someone, shahirah, thanks(did i get the spelling right?) for the concern and the help she's given me. Thanks.

Gotta move on, but I'm not, but i gotta pick up the pieces. I still love you. You know. I always will. I have to study now, but i can't without you, i need to know you;re there, i need to talk to you, my mind, heart, soul are all with you. Only when you talk to me, can i regain sanity, peace and study properly.

That's all for this week, before i end this post, i just have to say it just once more, I LOVE YOU.

very very un-HAPPYJUICE!