Sand In My Shoes

Ok, been a while since i last blogged.2 weeks and counting down to the o'levels.Fuck.

Hmm, over the past few weeks, my life has really taken a turn for the worse. Yepps, the worse. This time, it's stuff that's completely out of my control. For one, it looks like my parents are really gonna go ahead with their divorce. That really sucks, i don't want a broken family but i guess I'll look forward to it for now. Not that i am a weird moron or anything, rejoicing in my parents breaking up but, the o's are in 2 weeks and i really am in no emotional condition to deal with their divorce. The way i see things, i could use that as an excuse to get really screwed up results or i could completely avoid the problem and not let it affect me. Logical thinking, with my best interest at mind, leads me to think that i should just not give a hoot about what my parents wanna do.

Moving on, i have decided i should just move on, it's really pointless waiting for you if you won't even talk to me, see me or anything else. I really don't ask for much, but it's the love i haven't got that i just can't live without anymore. I am moving on, picking up the pieces. You really hurt me. And i still can't blame you or think of you as an enemy. I am stupid. There are a million other fish out there, should have listened to people when they told me to move on.

I have been unable to actually tell anyone my true feelings at all for this past couple of weeks. I mean, for one, i really wished my mom just died, like died, capiche. She's been a fucking pain in my ass, reminding me how stupid i am and that I'm gonna fail my o's.Bitch.I so hope she reads this and cries. Other than that, a few things my dad has done that have hurt me but i can't say what and can't talk about it to anyone, no one that would understand. I mean, i can't talk to my male friends about it; there are just somethings that one does not tell his guy friends, they'll be insensitive. And i can't tell any female friend about it, I'll just cry if i do talk about it and i don't cry in front of anyone other than the one i love. Right now, no one fits the bill. So I'm pretty much suppressed and pushed to a corner, i have no choice but to harness and channel all this hurt to studying and doing well at the o's so i can get out of this shithill excuse i call a home. I'll find a way, I'll make it on my own. 2 more years and I'll move out, find my own way.

Been making good friends along the way, and over the past couple of weeks, one in particular. We said goodbye and i never thought i'd see that person again. I shan't elaborate.

It's my last week in saint Pat's and i feel like shit. I somehow find myself emotionally grafted to this school i once called a shithole i was stuck in, in sec1. Now, it practically rips me apart to say goodbye to it. This just pushes it man, my whole life falls apart. Life as i once knew it is coming to an end. Goodbye friends, teachers, school, the table we usually sit at, the place we hang out in the morning, my class, everything. Gonna miss everything about the school, in fact, saint Pat's was more of a culture, a way of life; St Pat's was home, still is home-for now. The one thing i know i was truly cut out for; Being a Patrician.

Well, it's two weeks to the O'levels and i am falling to pieces. This really sucks, my whole life is crumbling to the ground. I knew that love would break me one day, never thought that even my family could. Not that any other love I've ever had actually worked out. Guess since i best study and make a better life for myself, i will, i must. My not-so-distant plans are to just study and make it to Junior College, from there, beloved National Service. Not that i enjoy being physically tortured, but it gives me a better alternative to home. I don't have to see the demented people who just wanna hurt others, whom i call family till the end of the week and even then, I'll sleep or spend my time out of home.

Well i am gonna study now, i have to, it's my only way out. I'll seize the day. I have no one to turn to, unless it works out with i can't say who but it ain't Emelia. I'll go now, don't know when I'll be back again, but wish me luck. Heading headstrong into the O's. And to those of you sitting of the o's with me, best of luck, I'll keep you guys in my prayers(not that i am all too religious.).

ican'tfindthewordstotellyouhowifeel-JUICE!