it's sad i have to resort to blogging.

Its funny how things never play out the way i expect them to. I was going to marry her. Have 3 beautiful kids. Be a family man. A good husband. Worlds best dad. Was going to finish uni, get a job, a house. Have a loving wife. But i guess how could any of these things come to be, if i was never in the first place a good boyfriend? Apparently I was a dick. and deep inside me somewhere i knew i was a dick, i was a colossal asshole. I never listened. I was selfish. I was never there. I never listened. I never did the things she wanted. Somewhere in my bitterness towards my entire life, army, mother, father, brother and everything else, i forgot how to be romantic- i stopped being romantic. I was just so angry. And she stood by me. she never let me down. she was my saving grace. My break. My life. everything that mattered. the reason i woke up every morning. the reason i kept going when things were unthinkably bad. she was the best part of me.

And now she's gone. by my own doing. I unknowingly, because of my selfish ways, pushed her out. I hurt her. I broke "us". She's gone. I'll never hug her. Never hold her. Never kiss her forehead, her cheeks. Her lips. Never see how she smiles up at me, smiles her perfect happy smile, whenever she meets me. I'll never hear her voice laden with love and affection. Never hold her hands. Never just sit with her and enjoy her presence. Never lay on her lap again. Never kiss her on the top of her head with her head on my chest. Never listen to all her funny dreams. Never hug her from behind. Never spoon with her till we both fall asleep. Never kiss her in her sleep. Never take care of her when she's drunk. She's gone. She may never be mine again. The best part of my entire life is gone. The person who was my mother my father my sister my best friend my lover my everything is gone. I am a terrible person. i know not why i wake in the mornings anymore. colors seem dull. food tastes bland. The only thing that feels right now is pain. i feel like i have a huge hole punched right through my chest. i walk around like a ghost. devoid of life. of purpose. the light at the end of my tunnel has vanished. no resolution for me. empty. hollow. scared. lost. pained. hurt.

After some reflection, and going through all the letters, photos, texts and gifts, i've come to realize that i am just a HORRIBLE person. I don't know why people put up with me. I'm selfish. I have no regard for anything. I take people for granted. I don't respect people nearly enough. I have issues I haven't dealt with.

Nothing is going to be okay. This isn't something I think I can recover from. I would rather she killed me or shot me. If only she would have just inflicted flesh wounds. If only i could turn back time. If only I could be a better boyfriend.

I want her back. I want to be everything she ever wanted. I want to make things okay. I want my life back. I want the love of my life back. I want to make her feel like she should.

I never told her these things. But she is undoubtedly the best person i know. her heart is so beautiful. she illuminates any place she's at. she's kind. she's loving. she's the only person who truly matters to me. she is the only person i have ever had eyes for. no girl could ever compare to her beauty. she deserves the best. she's perfect. she's the purpose my world turns. the reason my sun rises and sets. the reason i wake up. the reason i do anything at all.

i'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly.

yeah, thats the latest one, got is on wednesday. another fifty bucks. looked plain on its own. so i figured an old school banner would look cool. figuring how i'm gonna cover it up at school now. kinda messed up, seeing as to school starts tomorrow. wow.

alright, the holidays have come to an unofficial end, sundays before working mondays are fucked up. rushing homework, and praying to god that something worth declaring an emergency non-working day the day after happens. but oh well, who're we kidding eh?

seems to me that everyone around me is making realizations of just how screwed they are, of just how much they long for something, someone, some event; something! i realize, that my damn promotional exams are round the corner. well, they've been round the corner for ages, but its coming into sight now. i haven't studied much or anything. i think i might want to just retain and repeat this year, perfectly aware of what to expect. this year was a rush. i mean, o's then a long holiday, and into this machine like a cog. guess i wasn't prepared. or at least i think i overestimated just how prepared i was.

i've been thinking lately, just how blissfully unaware i was of how pathetic i am. rajeevan brought it  to light. i have no semblance of a life outside of school and relationships. what happened to the old me? the one that'd get up and go out and just have fun. just freak out. i mean, like go out to town and walk around cracking utterly stupid jokes that only we'd understand. i miss going to school and only having serious lessons half the time and goofing off the other half of the time. i wish, i wish, oh my, just how much i wish. how much i wish that i'd be free of this burden, my college burden. out to the world, i wish the world would just take it easy on me. "HEY, I AIN'T THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED BUDDY!"

relationships can be taxing i guess, but overall, it's worth it. i just know it. i just do.

 i realize now that each of us is a miracle. the value if life can only be defined as such. the millions of reasons for us to cease to exist, to kill, to hate, to steal. but yet, for no apparent or immediately obvious reason, we humans do pair up love, create life. we still breathe, our hearts beat on. but till death, none of us ever really will appreciate the true meaning of life, the essence of it, condensed to one word, 3 beautiful words, life, love, death- when it all fades to black, we will all see, and then, in our death, we will realize.

death- funny how the word as been plating in my head for a while now. seeming an attractive option as opposed to life. "i have lost the will to live, simply nothing more to give, there is nothing more for me. need the end to set me free"-james hetfield(metallica). death os a boon, granted to those who cannot live. or is it?

i've noticed over my relatively short life, how most people have warped perceptions of time, life, and death. how many question the existence of a god. question the existence of a religion, i do. but the existence of a god, i am not worthy to; i'd like to believe. guess what we humans know now is only a handful, yet the arrogance. who's to tell if god exists, who's to know. how do we explain time, life and death? is it not easier to look to the sky for answers? to contact the mothership for a clue? for her to throw us a bone?

many perceive life to be the beginning of time and death to be the end of it. but what if time was a continuum that would exist with or without us? what if life was a metaphorical mistake? what if death was then a metaphorical solution? wouldn't that make us insignificant in the eyes of time? or, is it better to perceive life and death to occur parallel to time? a simultaneous sequence of events, a cycle, in a never ending continuum. hence, the human race, hence you, me and everyone and thing else we've come to know?

guess it's something i might never be sure of, something i'll never know. oh well; life (or what i might perceive it to be)

life and its inner workings, something we might never understand.

i've got no mood to study. guess i ain't gonna promote. next year, my year.

so i was thinking to myself, why?

hey people.

been bout a week? haha. okay, time to review this week. just the highlights. I GOT MY FUCKING TATTOO BOOOYEAH!

fucking sexy ain't it?haha.

BUT, unfortunately, it's healing now and i think i might need some touch up work on it next week after the scabbing ends. there is a part on the J that kinda looks off, like there is a healed out spot there. for those of you who don't know what i mean, it's a spot that seems to have less ink or even blank cos i didn't take good care of it as soon as i got it and some of the ink left my skin while the wound was still raw :( or, it might just be the effect of the scabbing causing it to look a bit weird now. either way, i'm deciding on the touch up work after the scabbing ends and i no longer have any scabs on the damn sexy thing.

other than that, i guess i've been quarrelling with nisha quite a bit but things are getting way way better now, we've decided to start over and be happier and let go of all our differences this time:) i love her.

hmm, school is being exactly what god meant it to be, a real fucking bitch. i hate school. it's a fucked up system designed and carefully engineered to obliterate any independent and cynical attitude one might possess. it simply aims to kill you're character. make you a fucking machine. a monster. another brick in the fucking wall.

pay careful attention to the lyrics, should play this for teachers day man. haha.

hung out with gerard and rajeevan last week. but overall, guess it was pretty mundane a week besides the tattoo of course. haha.

i'm sick today, on mc for today and tomorrow, i'm supposed to have chem spa tomorrow. oh well.

well, life is a bitch.

hey yo ppl

haha

alright it's been like months since my last post. time to report my life eh?

okay, for those of you bastards wondering out there, I'm still with nisha, 10 months.

then, I'm in SRJC. the place sucks, the people suck, well, not all of them. and, i picked climbing as a regular sport and cca. i love climbing. right around now, it's the only thing that keeps me in a fucking jc. if they stop me from climbing, I'm taking off from the damn school.

okay, about my family, for the anonymous dude/dudette that commented on my previous post, well, lets just say I've learnt to accept the things, but with my teeth held tight eh? haha. things ain't too great but i ain't letting it affect me.

relationship wise, yeah, i guess it is mentally and emotionally and sometimes physically draining. but i guess it's just the way relationships are. oh well, come what may, thats the attitude I've adopted. I'm slightly happier that way. mot much i wanna say about my relationship i guess, it's personal, for the most part. i love her.

but on to a more me part of my life, i hate junior college it's nothing like st Pat's tskk. I'm whining like a new born baby wanting back into it's mom. i want back to st Pat's. now. it's urgent, I'm losing myself, my personality, character, life, freedom, my way of life. i miss st Pat's. so does every other patrician i know. there is no place like st Pat's. no more fun English lessons. English in st Pat's was more GP than GP is in Jc now. fuck. the people in serangoon just simply don't get jokes and sarcasm and what not. no more changing in class, school camps and what not. no more porn in class and psp during math lessons and sleeping in borders between national exams. instead i have PW, a miserable excuse to make students do some practical work together for no apparent reason. I'm no longer allowed to be just late for school. nothing. the kick in life is gone. I'm reduced to fucking doing homework during my breaks instead of like talking shit and fucking around. life.......Can't wait for the army to call me up man.

alright enough of my rant, time to talk about the recent happenings of my life. i got my pocket money reduced, for like not studying. wow. hmmmmm, yesterday, i met rajeevan up straight after school then we went to his grandmothers place and discovered the vintage stuff from the 40's. like whoa man. haha, stuff you only see in history texts, i played with. haha, ancient condoms......lol. we left his grandparents house like around 9 plus? then we took a walk and a short mrt ride down to orchard, ran into Anthony Burch and company at city hall. hmm, we went to ION. i want to buy clothes soon man. we talked alot of shit. then, on the Way, we met Sean chew, shafeer and "muhamar" hahaha. we like joked around and talked alot about life and it's inner workings and how we all speechlessly understood how much each of us missed st Pat's. we all agreed that st Pat's was the best part of our lives. so far at least. then, i had an epiphany, if there is no place like st Pat's that I'm bound for in my future, then i guess I'm about ready to die. haha.

on to my interests, haha.

1) friends, esp my st Pat's bros

2) metal, symphonic metal, screamo, black metal.

3) Guitar!

4) climbing

5) girls i guess? hahahahhhaaa

alright, i gotta go, gotta go find something utterly stupid and retarded with dire consequences. but i don't care how much trouble i get in, fuck it. I'm me and there ain't no one who is ever gonna be able to change that. straight out of line, i don't need a reason, why should i justify my ways? so if you think you can change me, fuck you.hahahaha.

i gotta feelin'.......wooohooooo.

haha.

happyjuice.

REVIVAL!

Okay, HAPPY 2009 PEOPLE!
Hmm, i still find it hard to believe 2008 is over man.
aha.
Okay, time to reminisce 2008. The things i miss most about 2008.
1) SCHOOL! I miss all the times in class, in between lessons, the fun. Tskk, it's all gone now.
2) The times A.J, Rajeevan and I hiked to seven eleven to get Big Gulp or root beer or just for the walk to pass some time with good company.
3) The Jamming sessions with the guys, Gerard, Matthew, Sean Gan, Joel, Irwan and Aj. Thanks guys. ROCK ON!
4) Adam Khoo talks, that was fun man, we didn't listen to the bugger at all. We entertained ourselves.
5) All the camps at st pat's, the time we managed to spend the night over at school.

Now, the things that i can't believe about 2008.
1) I can't believe i actually managed to make acquaintance with Nisha. It was a damn long crush man.
2) I can't believe i confessed my feelings and got rejected in the face.
3) I can't believe my parents are really giving up on their marriage.
4) I can't believe i blindly went after Emelia, stupidity.
5) I can't believe Nisha called me back out after rejecting me, thank god you did baby =)
6) I can't believe I'm actually attached happily with Nisha now.
7) I can't believe i got rid or my moustache.
8) I can't believe i pierced my ear.
9) I can't believe i actually played at Krystal's parents' wedding anniversary.

Now the things i will NOT miss about 2008
1) EMELIA
2) Er, A'math lessons and exams.
3) Hmm, all the nagging and whining i endured.
4) Breaking my guitar, poor Molly.
That's all actually.
2008 Was quite eventful.

Hmm, I'm so bored now, I'm actually blogging again. WOW.
Okay, things i hope to achieve in 2009.
1) Go to JC and be a damn good student.
2) Pick up boxing as a regular sport
3) Be a bloody good Boyfriend. I wanna give you the best baby, i wanna be the best.
4) Build my body till like whoa!
5) Be a better brother.
6) Have fun!
7) Spread some love, people are just way way too god damned up tight and unloved in Singapore man.

Alright, time to talk about my life. It rocks now man. And it's because i have my baby Nisha. Without her, I'd be desolated. Thank-you baby, i love you, BEBY! Hmm, my dad is still being an asshole. He spent Christmas in the fucking Philippines. WTF? affair. tskk. And my brother still gets unfair treatment. New shoes and clothes and money and time and what not. Free lifts to friends houses for my brother, BUT, no lift for me when i call at 2 in the morning after work. Asshole. I'm not even talking to the bastard now.

Okay, enough with the depressing stuff, I'm HAPPY.

I got tagged, and I'm super duper unfamiliar with the idea of being tagged (first time la). So here goes.

-who was the person who tagged you?
Shahirah

-relationship between you and her?
Friends.

-your 5 impressions of her?
Happy, sad, never hateful, more that meets the eye really, really nice.

-if she becomes your enemy, you will?
I doubt that will happen.

-what would you say to the person you like very much?
"Hey, I'm Joshua, you are??" "So, can i buy you lunch sometime?"

-characteristics i like about myself?
I don't get easily swayed by people around me, in fact, not at all (except by you baby.) And, i hardly get affected by anything except for the things that concern the people i love.

-characteristics i hate about myself?
Ehm, i want a more muscular body and i don't want to be dense, i want to be able to read signs and react promptly(you know what i mean baby)

-for the person whom you hate, you say?
" I don't hate you, i like you."

-what do the people around you feel about you?
Different people would say different things about me, but i try to leave the best impression of myself that i can manage.

-your crush(es)?
Not a crush anymore, It's true love. I love Nisha, i love you darling.

pass this to 10 people.
Erm, i don't know ten people with blogs, haha.
So yeah. Can't do this.

So i guess this is where i end this blogpost.
I'll blog again soon. Soon, i think.
HAHA.

iloveyou, Nisha.

Ok, my life is falling apart. Perfect timing.

Shit. My life has been falling apart these past few months. Yep, you heard me right. Firstly, my parents are getting a fucking divorce. I have no idea who I'm going with, my holidays are freaking shit--bored and broke. And my dad is being a fucking bastard. Yes. I'm fucked. There are only two things i have to hang on to in my damned life now, good friends and of course, you Nisha(if you're reading at all).

Okay, my parents have always been fighting for as long as i can remember. Lets just say that it is no secret that their love boat sailed and sunk a long long time ago. But i never really thought they would actually go for a damn divorce, sure the idea was thrown about quire a bit but now they've latched on to the idea. Fuck.

My stupid job is been on hold for a while now, i was supposed to have training for the the damn job yesterday but the shitty hotel, Shang Ri La mind you, had some miscommunication problem and failed to tell quite a number of us that training was postponed to next week. This on it's own sucks, i don't get to start work until like a weeks time - one more boring and broke week. And it didn't help that i find out that training was cancelled after i get to the damn hotel in town, all the way from freaking Pasir Ris. My dad refuses to give me money at all too. Fuck.

And yes, my dad is being the ultimate bastard. He is literally putting my brothers above me, what the fuck? Favouritism. My brother gets what ever the hell he wants and doesn't have to ask and merely has to mention it in conversation. I mean, he got my brother, fucking expensive clothes, an iPod, a laptop, a bloody good phone, and now a damned good guitar. All for no good reasons, and i get grounded and my pocket money suspended. My freedom is fucked up and all. My brother on the other hand gets what ever the hell he likes, despite being a complete wastrel, smoking and all. Fuck. My dad won't even pay for my boxing man, what the fucking hell? Asshole. Now I'm stuck at home with no freedom, money or entertainment-xbox is broken too. And my brother gets what ever he wants.

Seems to me that my life like falls apart when it's time for me to be happy and merry after my O'levels. I mean, I'll never again in my entire life be able to enjoy my life like i can now. I have no worries now, or at least I'm not supposed to but hell. I do have more worries.

It'll be exactly one month together babe, come Friday. And i pray to god it's just the beginning of an eternity together. I love you very much darling(if you're reading at all, cos i doubt i gave you the URL to my blog.)

I have many more problems and unfair things to complain about but I'm not gonna bore those of you reading my blog any further. haha.

"I love you and that's all i really know"

Nisha, I love you.

Ok, it's been a long time since i last blogged. I guess i kinda abandoned this blog for a while to not infringe my privacy. But heck.

Ok, time to update. O'levels ended a while back, thank god. I've had my Graduation Night dinner since then and well, i found the love of my life. I love you babe, if you're reading. Also managed to get a job at Shang Ri La hotel Singapore. I'm a waiter at banquets. got the job with Matthew and his sister. Hmm, the o'levels were relatively simple, compared to any exam i've ever sat for. Not too worried about the results, i can wait.

Grad Night was also a fun experience, really cool experience. haha, we were supposed to go to Joel's house for a party and to get so piss drunk and wasted that night. Unfortunately, The damn cab driver refused to take me in his cab, too many people. Asshole.

Hmm, lately, I've screwed up alot. I can't tell what i messed up here, too public but yeahs, i have. And to whomever it may concern; If you are reading at all. I love you very much, i mean every word i say from my heart.

Been trying to write a song lately for you but words somehow fail me when i get down to putting the pen to the paper. Chord progressions and Riffs are no problems, words are the damn problem.

Okays, i have no mood to write anymore, I'm going to write my song now. I'll put it up here as soon as i can, by Sunday i hope. Grad night pictures are up too, all on my facebook. Go check it out if you want.