alright, the holidays have come to an unofficial end, sundays before working mondays are fucked up. rushing homework, and praying to god that something worth declaring an emergency non-working day the day after happens. but oh well, who're we kidding eh?
seems to me that everyone around me is making realizations of just how screwed they are, of just how much they long for something, someone, some event; something! i realize, that my damn promotional exams are round the corner. well, they've been round the corner for ages, but its coming into sight now. i haven't studied much or anything. i think i might want to just retain and repeat this year, perfectly aware of what to expect. this year was a rush. i mean, o's then a long holiday, and into this machine like a cog. guess i wasn't prepared. or at least i think i overestimated just how prepared i was.
i've been thinking lately, just how blissfully unaware i was of how pathetic i am. rajeevan brought it to light. i have no semblance of a life outside of school and relationships. what happened to the old me? the one that'd get up and go out and just have fun. just freak out. i mean, like go out to town and walk around cracking utterly stupid jokes that only we'd understand. i miss going to school and only having serious lessons half the time and goofing off the other half of the time. i wish, i wish, oh my, just how much i wish. how much i wish that i'd be free of this burden, my college burden. out to the world, i wish the world would just take it easy on me. "HEY, I AIN'T THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED BUDDY!"
relationships can be taxing i guess, but overall, it's worth it. i just know it. i just do.
i realize now that each of us is a miracle. the value if life can only be defined as such. the millions of reasons for us to cease to exist, to kill, to hate, to steal. but yet, for no apparent or immediately obvious reason, we humans do pair up love, create life. we still breathe, our hearts beat on. but till death, none of us ever really will appreciate the true meaning of life, the essence of it, condensed to one word, 3 beautiful words, life, love, death- when it all fades to black, we will all see, and then, in our death, we will realize.
death- funny how the word as been plating in my head for a while now. seeming an attractive option as opposed to life. "i have lost the will to live, simply nothing more to give, there is nothing more for me. need the end to set me free"-james hetfield(metallica). death os a boon, granted to those who cannot live. or is it?
i've noticed over my relatively short life, how most people have warped perceptions of time, life, and death. how many question the existence of a god. question the existence of a religion, i do. but the existence of a god, i am not worthy to; i'd like to believe. guess what we humans know now is only a handful, yet the arrogance. who's to tell if god exists, who's to know. how do we explain time, life and death? is it not easier to look to the sky for answers? to contact the mothership for a clue? for her to throw us a bone?
many perceive life to be the beginning of time and death to be the end of it. but what if time was a continuum that would exist with or without us? what if life was a metaphorical mistake? what if death was then a metaphorical solution? wouldn't that make us insignificant in the eyes of time? or, is it better to perceive life and death to occur parallel to time? a simultaneous sequence of events, a cycle, in a never ending continuum. hence, the human race, hence you, me and everyone and thing else we've come to know?
guess it's something i might never be sure of, something i'll never know. oh well; life (or what i might perceive it to be)
life and its inner workings, something we might never understand.
i've got no mood to study. guess i ain't gonna promote. next year, my year.
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