This isn't who i am.

I fucking hate it.
this isn't me.


and yet when i find myself in utter desolation
no one.

and yet when i find myself in this state,
the only people i find myself needin.

michel
aj
morgan
shiva
cedric

period.

who else would be there right?

Inside.

I'm ridiculously sick now.

In all my 23 years, I doubt that I've ever been this lost.
I should be studying, sleeping, working.....something.
But I cannot, not now. Not with these thoughts in my head.

Everything I have ever stood for is being questioned now. Have I let life take me on this ride?
What am I doing?

Who am I?

What is it I want?
Je Ne Sais Pas.

meh.

Days pass me by, and I feel stale.
Faded, it's what I feel.

I don't like this lifestyle, or do I?
What happened to the old me?

I'm not this. This facade, it's almost completely consumed me.
Work has never held such importance to me. Why do I do what I do?
I miss my mom. My brothers. My family.

Hustling takes it's toll. It breaks me.

I think I like her, and then a little more.
She's complicated. I don't need that. But.
I cannot help myself.
Help.

School has been exactly what i've expected.
not surprising at all. I find I'm unable to focus. I seem to have lost direction.

This never happens. I'm Always the most focused person I know. I only ever waver when things in me aren't calm. When my emotional state is steadfast, firm and immovable.

Those days seem to elude me now.

I've been starting to start over. And it isn't easy when I don't know what direction I want my life to take.

Loneliness isn't nice. It isn't fun.
Life as I know it seems to be falling apart, right in front of my eyes. I'm helpless.






My life is great though. Anyone else in my shoes would be having a ball of a time.
But what does the world know about me? I would throw it all away, none of it means anything to me. Perhaps I'd throw it all, except for the people I've come to love. As brothers. As family.

Conflicted.
Anger.
irritation.

Writing isn't helping.

Inside, the dogs are weeping.

I need to find myself again.
fuck.

so it's been a while...

Alright, I really don't know why I'm bothering to write today. Ordinarily I'd bring things up to speed here. Not today. A lot has happened. For those of you that do know me personally, you'd know where I am and what I've been up to since I last bothered to update this severely neglected blog.

NTU.

School is killing me.
Not much else I'd like to say about it. It's tiring, but I've had things harder.

Emotionally though, one would imagine after my fucking 5 year debacle with Nisha, I'd have my shit together. I thought so too. So wrong.

After her I'll admit I've done things I regret to this day.
An asshole of sorts I became. Life was easy then, going around using people and perhaps ruining their lives was an everyday task for me.
It was my maladaptive behavior. I was hurt and I didn't want to feel it. 5 years is a long time to get over. But I eventually did, for the most part. But do people really ever let go of their first love?

Repentance.
I changed after a while. I gave up my fucking demonic ways. It was hard. To start caring and feeling again. To be a nice person.
Became honest, earnest even. I became nice, and I've tried so hard to stay nice for the longest time.
Stayed away from women as much as I possibly could. No emotional investment. No woman ever had my attention either. I just never saw anyone that way. Physical appearances never phased me.
Things were real good.

Until I fooled myself into believing that guys and girls could be Real good friends. Boy was I wrong.
I became close to a girl I never imagined I'd ever develop even an ounce of romantic feelings for. Yes, in school. Brobdingnagian folly, I know.

can guys and girls really just stay friends?
will feelings never ever eventually develop?
Really?

Well, it appeared that developing feelings for her was in the cards for me this time.
Somewhere along the way, I got to know her. The real her. Not the facade that she portrays to the rest of the world. I saw an amazing person. Someone capable of loving. Someone capable of crying; even for others. Someone capable of giving and not expecting. Someone with empathy, she could feel my pain the way I felt it. Felt like she really did care. Morals stood strong in her. I liked everything I saw. I'm wishing I didn't though.

Oh why did I ever notice these things?
ha.

So I tried. I tried so hard to allude as obviously as I possibly could. Guess she never saw it.
Friendzoned. Yup. Me, friendzoned.
It sickened all my close friends to see me trying so hard.
They saw right through me. I allowed myself to be used. And I did it with a smile, sardonic as it may be.
It all came to a point that my liking for this girl may have cost me some of my most valued friendships. I thought she was worth it.

hahahahaha

She liked someone else. It became apparent to me that I stood no chance.
Whatever I had for her was unrequited.

What a wicked game she played.
I had it coming.

So I find myself hurting again. Boo-fucking-hoo.
Should I go back to being an asshole. An unfeeling, manipulative little spawn of Satan?
Life seems to have presented me with a golden opportunity to sell my soul to Lucifer himself.

Guess I'll figure my shit out.
I'll chase my heart with a hack saw. I'll murder it. I'll bury it in an unmarked grave somewhere in the dark moors of my subconscious psyche that even I fear wandering out into. Maybe I'll lose myself there.

Perhaps being lost isn't as bad as hurt.
Life has hurt me enough.
Everyone seems to be taking turns, what kind of pinata does life take me for?

Oh-so-lost.
It's easy to listen to what close friends have to say.
But a man must dance to the rhythm that his heart beats to.
It is a rhythm so soft and sweet, but a rhythm so hard to hear.
The noise of the mind is so distracting now.

It's scary,
 to feel like a sojourner in my own life.


I'll figure it out. I know what I'll do.

Sometimes the light at the end of your tunnel
            might just be a freight train coming your way.
You better run, son.


                                                              "Wicked Game"

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you.
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do.
I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you.
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you.

No, I don't want to fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I don't want to fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)
With you (This world is only gonna break your heart)

What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way.
What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you.
What a wicked thing to say, you never felt this way.
What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you and,

I want to fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I want to fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)
With you.

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you.
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do.
I never dreamed that I'd love somebody like you.
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you,

No, I want to fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I want to fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)
With you (This world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I... (This world is only gonna break your heart)
(This world is only gonna break your heart)

Nobody loves no one.

it's sad i have to resort to blogging.

Its funny how things never play out the way i expect them to. I was going to marry her. Have 3 beautiful kids. Be a family man. A good husband. Worlds best dad. Was going to finish uni, get a job, a house. Have a loving wife. But i guess how could any of these things come to be, if i was never in the first place a good boyfriend? Apparently I was a dick. and deep inside me somewhere i knew i was a dick, i was a colossal asshole. I never listened. I was selfish. I was never there. I never listened. I never did the things she wanted. Somewhere in my bitterness towards my entire life, army, mother, father, brother and everything else, i forgot how to be romantic- i stopped being romantic. I was just so angry. And she stood by me. she never let me down. she was my saving grace. My break. My life. everything that mattered. the reason i woke up every morning. the reason i kept going when things were unthinkably bad. she was the best part of me.

And now she's gone. by my own doing. I unknowingly, because of my selfish ways, pushed her out. I hurt her. I broke "us". She's gone. I'll never hug her. Never hold her. Never kiss her forehead, her cheeks. Her lips. Never see how she smiles up at me, smiles her perfect happy smile, whenever she meets me. I'll never hear her voice laden with love and affection. Never hold her hands. Never just sit with her and enjoy her presence. Never lay on her lap again. Never kiss her on the top of her head with her head on my chest. Never listen to all her funny dreams. Never hug her from behind. Never spoon with her till we both fall asleep. Never kiss her in her sleep. Never take care of her when she's drunk. She's gone. She may never be mine again. The best part of my entire life is gone. The person who was my mother my father my sister my best friend my lover my everything is gone. I am a terrible person. i know not why i wake in the mornings anymore. colors seem dull. food tastes bland. The only thing that feels right now is pain. i feel like i have a huge hole punched right through my chest. i walk around like a ghost. devoid of life. of purpose. the light at the end of my tunnel has vanished. no resolution for me. empty. hollow. scared. lost. pained. hurt.

After some reflection, and going through all the letters, photos, texts and gifts, i've come to realize that i am just a HORRIBLE person. I don't know why people put up with me. I'm selfish. I have no regard for anything. I take people for granted. I don't respect people nearly enough. I have issues I haven't dealt with.

Nothing is going to be okay. This isn't something I think I can recover from. I would rather she killed me or shot me. If only she would have just inflicted flesh wounds. If only i could turn back time. If only I could be a better boyfriend.

I want her back. I want to be everything she ever wanted. I want to make things okay. I want my life back. I want the love of my life back. I want to make her feel like she should.

I never told her these things. But she is undoubtedly the best person i know. her heart is so beautiful. she illuminates any place she's at. she's kind. she's loving. she's the only person who truly matters to me. she is the only person i have ever had eyes for. no girl could ever compare to her beauty. she deserves the best. she's perfect. she's the purpose my world turns. the reason my sun rises and sets. the reason i wake up. the reason i do anything at all.

i'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly.

yeah, thats the latest one, got is on wednesday. another fifty bucks. looked plain on its own. so i figured an old school banner would look cool. figuring how i'm gonna cover it up at school now. kinda messed up, seeing as to school starts tomorrow. wow.

alright, the holidays have come to an unofficial end, sundays before working mondays are fucked up. rushing homework, and praying to god that something worth declaring an emergency non-working day the day after happens. but oh well, who're we kidding eh?

seems to me that everyone around me is making realizations of just how screwed they are, of just how much they long for something, someone, some event; something! i realize, that my damn promotional exams are round the corner. well, they've been round the corner for ages, but its coming into sight now. i haven't studied much or anything. i think i might want to just retain and repeat this year, perfectly aware of what to expect. this year was a rush. i mean, o's then a long holiday, and into this machine like a cog. guess i wasn't prepared. or at least i think i overestimated just how prepared i was.

i've been thinking lately, just how blissfully unaware i was of how pathetic i am. rajeevan brought it  to light. i have no semblance of a life outside of school and relationships. what happened to the old me? the one that'd get up and go out and just have fun. just freak out. i mean, like go out to town and walk around cracking utterly stupid jokes that only we'd understand. i miss going to school and only having serious lessons half the time and goofing off the other half of the time. i wish, i wish, oh my, just how much i wish. how much i wish that i'd be free of this burden, my college burden. out to the world, i wish the world would just take it easy on me. "HEY, I AIN'T THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED BUDDY!"

relationships can be taxing i guess, but overall, it's worth it. i just know it. i just do.

 i realize now that each of us is a miracle. the value if life can only be defined as such. the millions of reasons for us to cease to exist, to kill, to hate, to steal. but yet, for no apparent or immediately obvious reason, we humans do pair up love, create life. we still breathe, our hearts beat on. but till death, none of us ever really will appreciate the true meaning of life, the essence of it, condensed to one word, 3 beautiful words, life, love, death- when it all fades to black, we will all see, and then, in our death, we will realize.

death- funny how the word as been plating in my head for a while now. seeming an attractive option as opposed to life. "i have lost the will to live, simply nothing more to give, there is nothing more for me. need the end to set me free"-james hetfield(metallica). death os a boon, granted to those who cannot live. or is it?

i've noticed over my relatively short life, how most people have warped perceptions of time, life, and death. how many question the existence of a god. question the existence of a religion, i do. but the existence of a god, i am not worthy to; i'd like to believe. guess what we humans know now is only a handful, yet the arrogance. who's to tell if god exists, who's to know. how do we explain time, life and death? is it not easier to look to the sky for answers? to contact the mothership for a clue? for her to throw us a bone?

many perceive life to be the beginning of time and death to be the end of it. but what if time was a continuum that would exist with or without us? what if life was a metaphorical mistake? what if death was then a metaphorical solution? wouldn't that make us insignificant in the eyes of time? or, is it better to perceive life and death to occur parallel to time? a simultaneous sequence of events, a cycle, in a never ending continuum. hence, the human race, hence you, me and everyone and thing else we've come to know?

guess it's something i might never be sure of, something i'll never know. oh well; life (or what i might perceive it to be)

life and its inner workings, something we might never understand.

i've got no mood to study. guess i ain't gonna promote. next year, my year.

so i was thinking to myself, why?

hey people.

been bout a week? haha. okay, time to review this week. just the highlights. I GOT MY FUCKING TATTOO BOOOYEAH!

fucking sexy ain't it?haha.

BUT, unfortunately, it's healing now and i think i might need some touch up work on it next week after the scabbing ends. there is a part on the J that kinda looks off, like there is a healed out spot there. for those of you who don't know what i mean, it's a spot that seems to have less ink or even blank cos i didn't take good care of it as soon as i got it and some of the ink left my skin while the wound was still raw :( or, it might just be the effect of the scabbing causing it to look a bit weird now. either way, i'm deciding on the touch up work after the scabbing ends and i no longer have any scabs on the damn sexy thing.

other than that, i guess i've been quarrelling with nisha quite a bit but things are getting way way better now, we've decided to start over and be happier and let go of all our differences this time:) i love her.

hmm, school is being exactly what god meant it to be, a real fucking bitch. i hate school. it's a fucked up system designed and carefully engineered to obliterate any independent and cynical attitude one might possess. it simply aims to kill you're character. make you a fucking machine. a monster. another brick in the fucking wall.

pay careful attention to the lyrics, should play this for teachers day man. haha.

hung out with gerard and rajeevan last week. but overall, guess it was pretty mundane a week besides the tattoo of course. haha.

i'm sick today, on mc for today and tomorrow, i'm supposed to have chem spa tomorrow. oh well.

well, life is a bitch.

hey yo ppl

haha

alright it's been like months since my last post. time to report my life eh?

okay, for those of you bastards wondering out there, I'm still with nisha, 10 months.

then, I'm in SRJC. the place sucks, the people suck, well, not all of them. and, i picked climbing as a regular sport and cca. i love climbing. right around now, it's the only thing that keeps me in a fucking jc. if they stop me from climbing, I'm taking off from the damn school.

okay, about my family, for the anonymous dude/dudette that commented on my previous post, well, lets just say I've learnt to accept the things, but with my teeth held tight eh? haha. things ain't too great but i ain't letting it affect me.

relationship wise, yeah, i guess it is mentally and emotionally and sometimes physically draining. but i guess it's just the way relationships are. oh well, come what may, thats the attitude I've adopted. I'm slightly happier that way. mot much i wanna say about my relationship i guess, it's personal, for the most part. i love her.

but on to a more me part of my life, i hate junior college it's nothing like st Pat's tskk. I'm whining like a new born baby wanting back into it's mom. i want back to st Pat's. now. it's urgent, I'm losing myself, my personality, character, life, freedom, my way of life. i miss st Pat's. so does every other patrician i know. there is no place like st Pat's. no more fun English lessons. English in st Pat's was more GP than GP is in Jc now. fuck. the people in serangoon just simply don't get jokes and sarcasm and what not. no more changing in class, school camps and what not. no more porn in class and psp during math lessons and sleeping in borders between national exams. instead i have PW, a miserable excuse to make students do some practical work together for no apparent reason. I'm no longer allowed to be just late for school. nothing. the kick in life is gone. I'm reduced to fucking doing homework during my breaks instead of like talking shit and fucking around. life.......Can't wait for the army to call me up man.

alright enough of my rant, time to talk about the recent happenings of my life. i got my pocket money reduced, for like not studying. wow. hmmmmm, yesterday, i met rajeevan up straight after school then we went to his grandmothers place and discovered the vintage stuff from the 40's. like whoa man. haha, stuff you only see in history texts, i played with. haha, ancient condoms......lol. we left his grandparents house like around 9 plus? then we took a walk and a short mrt ride down to orchard, ran into Anthony Burch and company at city hall. hmm, we went to ION. i want to buy clothes soon man. we talked alot of shit. then, on the Way, we met Sean chew, shafeer and "muhamar" hahaha. we like joked around and talked alot about life and it's inner workings and how we all speechlessly understood how much each of us missed st Pat's. we all agreed that st Pat's was the best part of our lives. so far at least. then, i had an epiphany, if there is no place like st Pat's that I'm bound for in my future, then i guess I'm about ready to die. haha.

on to my interests, haha.

1) friends, esp my st Pat's bros

2) metal, symphonic metal, screamo, black metal.

3) Guitar!

4) climbing

5) girls i guess? hahahahhhaaa

alright, i gotta go, gotta go find something utterly stupid and retarded with dire consequences. but i don't care how much trouble i get in, fuck it. I'm me and there ain't no one who is ever gonna be able to change that. straight out of line, i don't need a reason, why should i justify my ways? so if you think you can change me, fuck you.hahahaha.

i gotta feelin'.......wooohooooo.

haha.

happyjuice.