so it's been a while...

Alright, I really don't know why I'm bothering to write today. Ordinarily I'd bring things up to speed here. Not today. A lot has happened. For those of you that do know me personally, you'd know where I am and what I've been up to since I last bothered to update this severely neglected blog.

NTU.

School is killing me.
Not much else I'd like to say about it. It's tiring, but I've had things harder.

Emotionally though, one would imagine after my fucking 5 year debacle with Nisha, I'd have my shit together. I thought so too. So wrong.

After her I'll admit I've done things I regret to this day.
An asshole of sorts I became. Life was easy then, going around using people and perhaps ruining their lives was an everyday task for me.
It was my maladaptive behavior. I was hurt and I didn't want to feel it. 5 years is a long time to get over. But I eventually did, for the most part. But do people really ever let go of their first love?

Repentance.
I changed after a while. I gave up my fucking demonic ways. It was hard. To start caring and feeling again. To be a nice person.
Became honest, earnest even. I became nice, and I've tried so hard to stay nice for the longest time.
Stayed away from women as much as I possibly could. No emotional investment. No woman ever had my attention either. I just never saw anyone that way. Physical appearances never phased me.
Things were real good.

Until I fooled myself into believing that guys and girls could be Real good friends. Boy was I wrong.
I became close to a girl I never imagined I'd ever develop even an ounce of romantic feelings for. Yes, in school. Brobdingnagian folly, I know.

can guys and girls really just stay friends?
will feelings never ever eventually develop?
Really?

Well, it appeared that developing feelings for her was in the cards for me this time.
Somewhere along the way, I got to know her. The real her. Not the facade that she portrays to the rest of the world. I saw an amazing person. Someone capable of loving. Someone capable of crying; even for others. Someone capable of giving and not expecting. Someone with empathy, she could feel my pain the way I felt it. Felt like she really did care. Morals stood strong in her. I liked everything I saw. I'm wishing I didn't though.

Oh why did I ever notice these things?
ha.

So I tried. I tried so hard to allude as obviously as I possibly could. Guess she never saw it.
Friendzoned. Yup. Me, friendzoned.
It sickened all my close friends to see me trying so hard.
They saw right through me. I allowed myself to be used. And I did it with a smile, sardonic as it may be.
It all came to a point that my liking for this girl may have cost me some of my most valued friendships. I thought she was worth it.

hahahahaha

She liked someone else. It became apparent to me that I stood no chance.
Whatever I had for her was unrequited.

What a wicked game she played.
I had it coming.

So I find myself hurting again. Boo-fucking-hoo.
Should I go back to being an asshole. An unfeeling, manipulative little spawn of Satan?
Life seems to have presented me with a golden opportunity to sell my soul to Lucifer himself.

Guess I'll figure my shit out.
I'll chase my heart with a hack saw. I'll murder it. I'll bury it in an unmarked grave somewhere in the dark moors of my subconscious psyche that even I fear wandering out into. Maybe I'll lose myself there.

Perhaps being lost isn't as bad as hurt.
Life has hurt me enough.
Everyone seems to be taking turns, what kind of pinata does life take me for?

Oh-so-lost.
It's easy to listen to what close friends have to say.
But a man must dance to the rhythm that his heart beats to.
It is a rhythm so soft and sweet, but a rhythm so hard to hear.
The noise of the mind is so distracting now.

It's scary,
 to feel like a sojourner in my own life.


I'll figure it out. I know what I'll do.

Sometimes the light at the end of your tunnel
            might just be a freight train coming your way.
You better run, son.


                                                              "Wicked Game"

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you.
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do.
I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you.
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you.

No, I don't want to fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I don't want to fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)
With you (This world is only gonna break your heart)

What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way.
What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you.
What a wicked thing to say, you never felt this way.
What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you and,

I want to fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I want to fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)
With you.

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you.
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do.
I never dreamed that I'd love somebody like you.
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you,

No, I want to fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I want to fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)
With you (This world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I... (This world is only gonna break your heart)
(This world is only gonna break your heart)

Nobody loves no one.